17.

I absolutely love love. It’s as simple as that. I love that feeling of light headed stomach butterflies everything is still new and exciting, I love meeting a new person and getting to learn everything about them, I like the idea of restarting everything with someone who knows nothing about you except what you show them. I love going on new adventures, I love story book moments, and silly laid back talks about nothing and everything!! I love going on new journeys with new people i barely know! I love the fact that every person i meet is different, in some way they’re not like the other person i just met. One person will sing to me, the next will write poems, the one after will love dancing with me and just having me in his arms, I love the romance and the spontaneity, and when I decide to move on, it’s not because I don’t like them anymore, it’s simply not new anymore, it’s comfortable, it’s too routine, and I love the idea of something new and exciting on the horizon, and most people get comfortable in a routine and lifestyle that even the most exciting and lovable of people tend to eventually settle down and want to “grow up” in a way.

It’s not that I don’t want to mature, but I like being me, the way I am, silly, dressing up in ridiculous outfits and dance around and sing. I like being able to do what I want when I want, and worry about me, maybe that feeling with pass, maybe it won’t, and I’m ok with that. I like being able to say i like the way I am, and sometimes when you’re with other people, boyfriends, husbands, family, friends, it’s hard to be proud of who you are all the time, most people like me the way I am, but can handle it only for a little bit. Generally after a while they expect I will settle a bit, and I don’t and I find they tend to get a bit exhausted of my constant need for attention, entertainment, energy and need to change my life around in a blink of an eye.

It’s not that I’m unhappy with my life the way it is, but I am always looking for something new that I haven’t done yet. I always want new friends, because although I love my friends, I always want need to do something, or have some sort of attention, and after a while people need down time, so i like having a lot of friends with a variety of interests, so that when I want to go out and do something or if I want to just talk, I have someone there. It sounds selfish and almost bratty I know, and maybe my ex husband was right, maybe I am a bit selfish and bratty, but I really don’t mean to be. I truthfully want everyone to be happy and get what they want, but not at the cost of my happiness, I will stay in a situation only so long before I feel trapped and start getting skittish and antsy.

It’s not that I don’t have absolute and indefinite love for anyone, and therefor don’t put them before me, I would do absolutely anything for my brother and sister. I would put their lives before my own in a heartbeat and without hesitation, I would live the rest of my life in depression if it secured happiness through their entire lives, they have been my best friends my entire life, and are the people closest to understanding me, and the way I am, and still love me unconditionally.

I also have sincere and true love for certain other people with my entire heart, my parents, both of them have been my stability since I was little, and I know that they will love me and be there for me whenever I need them, or a need somewhere to go to just be a little girl again, and that they will always make me get up again and push me out that door again when it’s time to keep trekking on.

My ex husband, the first person and one of few people outside my family, that I could be “weak” in front of, I knew that I could trust in and rely on him to carry me, if things got too hard for me, he was also one of the first people outside my family that I loved and cared about more than my own life. Walking away from him was the most difficult decision I’ve ever had to make in my 20 years of life, he made my life incredibly easy by becoming my life, he was a lovable outlet, so I could escape from myself, and focus my energy into someone else and their happiness, and not focus on my own issues and my own life path which was slowly but ultimately falling to shambles, and even after all the absurdity I’ve put him through, I know in my heart he will always be there when I need him, and that makes him an indispensable person in my life and heart.

A few very selective and exceptional friends, that I have managed to gain throughout my entire life, each with their own unique, quirky and lovable qualities that make them exceptional and irreplaceable to me.

My current boyfriend, he helped me out from an incredibly difficult situation, by aiding me to find courage in myself. Again one of the very few that I feel I can be “weak” in front of. Although I feel as though sometimes he doesn’t necessarily understand me, and like many others, I can tell I wear him out and can seem like a huge puzzle. I can tell when he tries, and I know he loves me, and would do almost anything for me. And I do appreciate that, and therefore will have nothing less than love and complete faith in him. I realize being a friend to me is much easier than being my boyfriend/husband or part of my family, because where as a friend I see only on occasion and they only see my energy and enjoyable side, my family and boyfriend are around for every single whirlwind and bump that is my character, and unfortunately that means dealing with my sudden spur of the moment ideas, and my constant force and every complex aspect that is my nature. But I try and look positive toward the future, and I see him being a major role in my life for many years.

As for the rest of my life, I will not change, and I acknowledge the fact that to many, that is just my childishness coming forth, but I like being me. I like being happy, I like being young, I want to live life to it’s fullest, and have as many experiences as possible, be them positive, or not so positive. I may decide tomorrow that I want to go to university, or settle down, or go the complete opposite direction and move half way around the world and travel, or move into a tiny little apartment in some distant and exciting city, and just live.

Because I can.