7.

I've been trying very hard to not be paranoid, and not focus on other peoples thoughts and opinions, I have been trying very hard to not let my guilt in hurting someone I do truly love and care about cloud my judgement. I am not heartless, I have spent too many nights sitting up alone and crying feeling horrible for hurting someone; feeling guilty for not being able to help him in a way that makes him happy; feeling alone because I feel like nobody actually understands everything that's going on, either because they dont need to know or it's too difficult for them to comprehend now; feeling angry because people don't know what's going on and judging me and him. But it's not all bad, I have been trying to be happy, and trying to focus on the future, trying to be optimistic and not focus on the past, trying to believe that everything will work out well, trying to not worry about things I cant control.

I want him to be honestly happy, on his own, or with someone else, it's really up to him and noone else can make that decision except him. I know alot of people have decided that it's my fault, there are alot of rumours about what happened, whats going to happen in the future, at this point, we both need to get help, Me for my bulimia, because I really need to focus on me and worry about my life for a while. and him for his issues, that are his choice to acknowledge and discuss. I am hoping that we will both get to the point where we can be together comfortably as friends, whether we are with other people or not, Because he is one of my best friends and I dont want that to change, I dont expect it to be easy, its going to be difficult and I understand that. I also expect alot of awkwardness between any new people that may be introduced. But I hope things work out and I really want things to work out.

I have also noticed a growing dislike for certain people and it upsets me, not because of the person but because of the relationships that are being affected. It also has been getting harder for me to keep my opinions to myself about these people. I have realized I have made mistakes in the past, some are clearly bigger than others, and even tho some people think I'm an airhead and have no idea what Im talking about, I have learnt from my mistakes for the most part and I'm still learning. Life isnt easy Im slowly learning that, I just want the people I love to be happy forever, and to not make the same mistakes I do, even tho if anyone understands the whole being stubborn and "ill make my own mistakes" thing, its me.

I also am extremely happy that I can talk to my family more often without having to hide my issues as much, Im still glad to have that bit of a buffer and have my own independence and my own life.


thats it for now
c'est la vie <3