17.

I absolutely love love. It’s as simple as that. I love that feeling of light headed stomach butterflies everything is still new and exciting, I love meeting a new person and getting to learn everything about them, I like the idea of restarting everything with someone who knows nothing about you except what you show them. I love going on new adventures, I love story book moments, and silly laid back talks about nothing and everything!! I love going on new journeys with new people i barely know! I love the fact that every person i meet is different, in some way they’re not like the other person i just met. One person will sing to me, the next will write poems, the one after will love dancing with me and just having me in his arms, I love the romance and the spontaneity, and when I decide to move on, it’s not because I don’t like them anymore, it’s simply not new anymore, it’s comfortable, it’s too routine, and I love the idea of something new and exciting on the horizon, and most people get comfortable in a routine and lifestyle that even the most exciting and lovable of people tend to eventually settle down and want to “grow up” in a way.

It’s not that I don’t want to mature, but I like being me, the way I am, silly, dressing up in ridiculous outfits and dance around and sing. I like being able to do what I want when I want, and worry about me, maybe that feeling with pass, maybe it won’t, and I’m ok with that. I like being able to say i like the way I am, and sometimes when you’re with other people, boyfriends, husbands, family, friends, it’s hard to be proud of who you are all the time, most people like me the way I am, but can handle it only for a little bit. Generally after a while they expect I will settle a bit, and I don’t and I find they tend to get a bit exhausted of my constant need for attention, entertainment, energy and need to change my life around in a blink of an eye.

It’s not that I’m unhappy with my life the way it is, but I am always looking for something new that I haven’t done yet. I always want new friends, because although I love my friends, I always want need to do something, or have some sort of attention, and after a while people need down time, so i like having a lot of friends with a variety of interests, so that when I want to go out and do something or if I want to just talk, I have someone there. It sounds selfish and almost bratty I know, and maybe my ex husband was right, maybe I am a bit selfish and bratty, but I really don’t mean to be. I truthfully want everyone to be happy and get what they want, but not at the cost of my happiness, I will stay in a situation only so long before I feel trapped and start getting skittish and antsy.

It’s not that I don’t have absolute and indefinite love for anyone, and therefor don’t put them before me, I would do absolutely anything for my brother and sister. I would put their lives before my own in a heartbeat and without hesitation, I would live the rest of my life in depression if it secured happiness through their entire lives, they have been my best friends my entire life, and are the people closest to understanding me, and the way I am, and still love me unconditionally.

I also have sincere and true love for certain other people with my entire heart, my parents, both of them have been my stability since I was little, and I know that they will love me and be there for me whenever I need them, or a need somewhere to go to just be a little girl again, and that they will always make me get up again and push me out that door again when it’s time to keep trekking on.

My ex husband, the first person and one of few people outside my family, that I could be “weak” in front of, I knew that I could trust in and rely on him to carry me, if things got too hard for me, he was also one of the first people outside my family that I loved and cared about more than my own life. Walking away from him was the most difficult decision I’ve ever had to make in my 20 years of life, he made my life incredibly easy by becoming my life, he was a lovable outlet, so I could escape from myself, and focus my energy into someone else and their happiness, and not focus on my own issues and my own life path which was slowly but ultimately falling to shambles, and even after all the absurdity I’ve put him through, I know in my heart he will always be there when I need him, and that makes him an indispensable person in my life and heart.

A few very selective and exceptional friends, that I have managed to gain throughout my entire life, each with their own unique, quirky and lovable qualities that make them exceptional and irreplaceable to me.

My current boyfriend, he helped me out from an incredibly difficult situation, by aiding me to find courage in myself. Again one of the very few that I feel I can be “weak” in front of. Although I feel as though sometimes he doesn’t necessarily understand me, and like many others, I can tell I wear him out and can seem like a huge puzzle. I can tell when he tries, and I know he loves me, and would do almost anything for me. And I do appreciate that, and therefore will have nothing less than love and complete faith in him. I realize being a friend to me is much easier than being my boyfriend/husband or part of my family, because where as a friend I see only on occasion and they only see my energy and enjoyable side, my family and boyfriend are around for every single whirlwind and bump that is my character, and unfortunately that means dealing with my sudden spur of the moment ideas, and my constant force and every complex aspect that is my nature. But I try and look positive toward the future, and I see him being a major role in my life for many years.

As for the rest of my life, I will not change, and I acknowledge the fact that to many, that is just my childishness coming forth, but I like being me. I like being happy, I like being young, I want to live life to it’s fullest, and have as many experiences as possible, be them positive, or not so positive. I may decide tomorrow that I want to go to university, or settle down, or go the complete opposite direction and move half way around the world and travel, or move into a tiny little apartment in some distant and exciting city, and just live.

Because I can.

16.

Life. I really do wish you could just push a button on people and make them happy. I love seeing people smile. But I know when they are not actually happy.

14.

I love walking. I went for 2 super long walks today, and they made me feel happier and more energetic and calm than I have in such a long time, it was absolutely GORGEOUS outside! I was thrilled, and it is supposed to be even nicer out the rest of the week. and it is supposed to be 17-20 tomorrow afternoon in winnipeg, which works out fabulously for me since im moving into my brand new apartment!! im thrilled because its the first time ill actually get to technically live and fend completely on my own!!! i am so pumped. yes i said pumped. that is the degree of excitement i am at. its 860 sq ft. 2 bedrooms, insuite laundry which is actually the big thing that makes me thrilled and happy hahaha. It also has a balcony which is nice since i like being outside when i can.

I am starting to honestly believe time heals everything, because im starting to feel less guilty about everything and starting to forgive others, and nothing has really changed by the date hahaha. anyways i should clean here then get to bed <3
Life is hard but it always goes on.
C'est la vie <3
xoxox

13.

So I have been having major mental conflicts, about everything. Do I want to be back in a relationship? Do I want to be Single? Do I want to go to school? Do I want to work for another year? Do I want to travel? Do I want to live at home? No. Can i afford to move out on my own? No. CONFLICTED CONFLICTED. I need a therapist.

12.

I hate rude people. I am looking forward to moving home. I got a haircut.

11.

Valentine's Day. Cute. Interesting. Fun? Special. Adventure. Am watching I hate Valentine's Day, Interesting rule she goes by, 5 dates, then move on, no pretenses. May try it. We will see, Also may become better friends with boys and hang out with guys, so that if I do meet a guy, we can have a chance to be more friends first, and fall into like, haha like its supposed to be. <3

10.

There's some things that I regret,
Some words I wish had gone unsaid,
Some starts,
That had some better endings,
Been some bad times I've been through,
Damage I cannot undo.
Some things,
I wish I could do all all over again,
But it don't really matter,
When life gets that much harder,
It makes you that much stronger,
Oh, some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were,
Lessons learned.

And every tear that had to fall from my eyes,
And everyday I wondered how I'd get through the night,
Every change, life has thrown me,
I'm thankful, for every break in my heart,
I'm grateful, for every scar,
Some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were lessons learned.

There's mistakes that I have made,
Some chances I just threw away,
Some roads,
I never should have taken,
Been some signs I didn't see,
Hearts that I hurt needlessly,
Some wounds,
That I wish I could have one more chance to mend,
But it don't make no difference,
The past can't be rewritten,
You get the life you're given,
Oh, some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were,
Lessons learned.

And every tear that had to fall from my eyes,
And everyday I wondered how I'd get through the night,
Every change, life has thrown me,
I'm thankful, for every break in my heart,
I'm grateful, for every scar,
Some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were lessons learned.

And all the things that break you,
Are the things that make you strong!
You can't change the past,
Cause it's gone.
And you just gotta move on,
Because it's all
Lessons learned.

And every tear that had to fall from my eyes,
From everyday I wondered how I'd get through the night,
From every change, life has thrown me.
I'm thankful, for every break in my heart,
I'm grateful, for every scar,
Some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were lessons learned,
Oh, some pages turned,
Some bridges burned,
But there were lessons learned,
Lessons learned.
Lessons learned.

Ill be able to look back and say I got through it.

9.

Went home this past weekend <3 and loved every minute of it. I missed being home with my family and friends, I saw my family and Grandmaman and Papa, and hung out with both Mireille and Dom which was nice. I'm slowly realizing that my past relationships may have me needing to work very hard to not have insecurities afterward, and may have left me with trust issues, (not about cheating or anything of that matter) or commitment issues, which would be absolutely devine since who doesnt want those kinda personal problems at the ripe old age of 20. I also get anxious that I made a mistake but then soon realize it's just anxiety over being worried of being alone and worried about him not moving on. I know I can cross this hurdle there is no doubt in my mind, but I feel like I'm in a cheesy movie where two characters are in a race and the one person falls and the other person is torn between continuing on or going back and helping the other person over their hurdles only in this situation I think he can do it himself, he's just not ready to, not willing to try yet, or not entirely sure how to just yet, and I feel frustrated because I want to get to the finish line and end this whole situation, but at the same time I am not wanting to leave him alone to finish on his own, I want to wait and make sure he's OK, that he will be OK. I'm thinking that after this 2 months at Katy's I may move back to Winnipeg, depending on how things progress here, but we'll see.

C'est La Vie <3 xoxox

8.

Here are some quotes that I have been reading over to myself, some of them inspirational, some funny and some sad. I read quotes when I feel upset or stressed out, they help me feel better


"I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when their right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust noone but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together." Marylin Monroe

"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind."
— Dr. Seuss

"Dance like no one is watching. Sing like no one is listening. Love like you've never been hurt and live like it's heaven on Earth."
— Mark Twain

"Here's to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The troublemakers. The round pegs in the square hole. The ones who see things differently. They're not fond of rules. And they have no respect for the status quo. You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify or vilify them. About the only thing you can't do is ignore them. Because they change things. They push the human race forward. And while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do."

"In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on."
— Robert Frost

"Women are like teabags; you never know how strong they are until they're put in hot water."
— Eleanor Roosevelt

"To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment."
— Ralph Waldo Emerson

"A friend is someone who knows all about you and still loves you."
— Elbert Hubbard

"All that is gold does not glitter,
Not all those who wander are lost;
The old that is strong does not wither,
Deep roots are not reached by frost."
— J.R.R. Tolkien (The Fellowship of the Ring)

"Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect."
— Mark Twain

"Be yourself; everyone else is already taken."
— Oscar Wilde

"Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye. (as said by Miss Piggy)"
— Jim Henson

"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel."
— Maya Angelou

"That which does not kill us makes us stronger."
— Friedrich Nietzsche

"I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells."
— Dr. Seuss

"Anyone who thinks sitting in church can make you a Christian must also think that sitting in a garage can make you a car."
— Garrison Keillor

"If you want to know what a man's like, take a good look at how he treats his inferiors, not his equals."

"I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work."
— Thomas A. Edison


"I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be."
— Douglas Adams

"Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea."
— Robert A. Heinlein

"You don't have a soul. You are a soul. You have a body."
— C.S. Lewis

"Piglet sidled up to Pooh from behind. 'Pooh?' he whispered.
'Yes, Piglet?'
'Nothing,' said Piglet, taking Pooh's hand. 'I just wanted to be sure of you.'"
— A.A. Milne (Winnie-the-Pooh)

"People are just as happy as they make up their minds to be."
— Abraham Lincoln


"When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us."
— Helen Keller

"It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them."
— Ralph Waldo Emerson

"Humans think they are smarter than dolphins because we build cars and buildings and start wars etc...and all that dolphins do is swim in the water, eat fish and play around. Dolphins believe that they are smarter for exactly the same reasons."
— Douglas Adams

"It's the friends you can call up at 4 a.m. that matter."
— Marlene Dietrich

"Inconceivable!"
"You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means."
— William Goldman (The Princess Bride)

For Attractive lips, speak words of kindness, For lovely eyes, seek out the good in people, For a slim figure, share your food with the hungry, For Beautiful hair, let a child run their fingers through it once a day, For poise, walk with the knowledge that you never walk alone. People, more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed, and redeemed. Remember, if you ever need a helping hand, you will find one at the end of each of your arms. As you grow older, you will discover that you have two hands, one for helping yourself and the other for helping others."
— Audrey Hepburn

THere are more, but I dont have time to go over them now ;)
c'est la vie <3

7.

I've been trying very hard to not be paranoid, and not focus on other peoples thoughts and opinions, I have been trying very hard to not let my guilt in hurting someone I do truly love and care about cloud my judgement. I am not heartless, I have spent too many nights sitting up alone and crying feeling horrible for hurting someone; feeling guilty for not being able to help him in a way that makes him happy; feeling alone because I feel like nobody actually understands everything that's going on, either because they dont need to know or it's too difficult for them to comprehend now; feeling angry because people don't know what's going on and judging me and him. But it's not all bad, I have been trying to be happy, and trying to focus on the future, trying to be optimistic and not focus on the past, trying to believe that everything will work out well, trying to not worry about things I cant control.

I want him to be honestly happy, on his own, or with someone else, it's really up to him and noone else can make that decision except him. I know alot of people have decided that it's my fault, there are alot of rumours about what happened, whats going to happen in the future, at this point, we both need to get help, Me for my bulimia, because I really need to focus on me and worry about my life for a while. and him for his issues, that are his choice to acknowledge and discuss. I am hoping that we will both get to the point where we can be together comfortably as friends, whether we are with other people or not, Because he is one of my best friends and I dont want that to change, I dont expect it to be easy, its going to be difficult and I understand that. I also expect alot of awkwardness between any new people that may be introduced. But I hope things work out and I really want things to work out.

I have also noticed a growing dislike for certain people and it upsets me, not because of the person but because of the relationships that are being affected. It also has been getting harder for me to keep my opinions to myself about these people. I have realized I have made mistakes in the past, some are clearly bigger than others, and even tho some people think I'm an airhead and have no idea what Im talking about, I have learnt from my mistakes for the most part and I'm still learning. Life isnt easy Im slowly learning that, I just want the people I love to be happy forever, and to not make the same mistakes I do, even tho if anyone understands the whole being stubborn and "ill make my own mistakes" thing, its me.

I also am extremely happy that I can talk to my family more often without having to hide my issues as much, Im still glad to have that bit of a buffer and have my own independence and my own life.


thats it for now
c'est la vie <3